We’re looking inward with this article. So if you’re already feeling uncomfortable, take a deep breath. I promise everything is going to be okay–I got you. Here’s the thing. We need to have a heart-to-heart on why you’re hitting road blocks. And before you start naming all the things getting in your way and explaining how I can’t possibly understand your situation, I’m calling a “time-out.” I have a sneaking suspicion that what might be holding you back is your inability to consistently be honest with yourself.
Sit with that for a moment… (and stay on those deep breaths).
How To Be Honest With Yourself
To be honest with yourself on a consistent basis requires that you tell the truth, practice vulnerability, accept where you are, and acknowledge where you want to be in all areas of your life. Most people thrive in some areas of their lives, but not in others. They feel great about how they’re doing with this one thing over here, but terrible about another aspect of their life. For example, you might be an extraordinary leader in your field, but married the wrong person. You could be at peak physical health, but lonely and friendless. Perhaps you have an amazing family and home life, but you can’t seem to get promoted at work. Sound familiar? Indulge yourself in a moment of self-introspection and reflection. Now take an environmental scan across the various aspects of your life.
I’m sure there are areas where you’re thriving [high five!]. Also, I’m sure there are some areas that need improvement [you wouldn’t be here otherwise, right?]. It’s a wonderful feeling when you excel in a personal or professional endeavor. It builds confidence and momentum to keep the good vibes flowing. Who can’t get down with that?! On the other hand, the areas where you’re not doing so hot are a totally different story. It usually involves disappointment, several failed attempts at whatever it is that you’re trying to accomplish, and beating yourself up about it. Any guesses where that leads? Ya nailed it. You get stuck. So how do you get unstuck?
Your Ego Doesn’t Have Your Best Interests in Mind
Before we can discuss getting unstuck, we have to talk about what’s keeping you stuck. The whole point of this conversation [in case you hadn’t figured it out] is to learn how to avoid getting and staying stuck.
All the disappointment and failure you feel leads you down a winding road of frustration, anger, and blame. As the road winds around and around, you find yourself walking in circles and never making progress. This lack of progress causes you to lash out, create false narratives, and possibly behave abusively toward yourself and the people around you–including the ones you love. Before long, you’ve resided yourself to your new normal, can no longer discern between perceptions and reality, and your toxic behaviors are spilling into other areas of your life. It all culminates in a corrupted ego.
The Corrupted Ego
Like corrupted files on a computer, your corrupted ego has suffered damage, does not perform properly, and has become an unreliable source of information. And the worst part is, it’s now in the driver’s seat. That leaves you in the passenger seat where your thoughts can spread like a virus. To learn more about the ego and its trappings, I recommend that you read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I read this book in 2005 and it left a lasting impression. [To keep it real with you, this is not light reading and you might have to re-read passages a few times, but it is so worth it!].
One of the byproducts of a corrupted ego is insecurity, or put another way, lack of confidence. Another byproduct of a corrupted ego is delusions. A delusion is a false belief or judgement about external reality, despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. As an example, you might let your own inflated perception of yourself distort reality and negatively influence your behaviors, relationships or job performance. In other words, you might think you’re all that and a bag of chips, but nobody’s buying it other than you. On the other hand, if you’re insecure, you might not be capable of hearing genuine and constructive feedback because you become defensive. The result is bad information in, bad information out and you stay stuck.
It bears repeating that being honest with yourself on a consistent basis requires that you tell the truth, practice vulnerability, accept where you are, and acknowledge where you want to be in all areas of your life. This process requires that you strip away your ego [which has a habit of misleading you to begin with, and will absolutely derail you once it becomes corrupted]. Once you strip away the ego, you can allow yourself to become vulnerable. Your vulnerability enables you to run diagnostics so that you can identify and tackle the issues keeping you stuck.
Get Unstuck
Begin the process of getting unstuck, by engaging in an honest self-assessment of who you are and where you’re at with your goals in various areas of your life. See something you don’t like? It’s time to address it. Once you see where and how you’re getting stuck, commit to taking the necessary steps to address these issues. You can do this by investing your time and energy into the analysis of your deficits. It goes without saying, this process demands that you lay bare your insecurities and get honest with yourself.
Vulnerability Is a Prerequisite for Honesty With Self and Others
There is no way around vulnerability on your path to being honest with yourself.
In all candidness, most people don’t enjoy disclosing or talking about their insecurities and shortcomings. This is due to fear of vulnerability. Vulnerability is a state of exposure to possible harm or attack, whether physical or emotional, real or imagined. The great news is that with practice, you can get more comfortable with being vulnerable and begin to embrace it.
The fear of opening ourselves up is steeped in previous trauma endured that possibly led to ridicule, shame, abuse or even over exposure. If you need a gentle push to harness the power of vulnerability in your life, I recommend you get to know Brené Brown better. She’s a researcher, professor and author whose Ted Talk on vulnerability took off and pretty much started a movement. She even does podcasts, if that’s your thing. If you’ve never heard of Brené Brown and/or if all this talk of vulnerability is making your heart palpitate, do yourself a kindness and start your vulnerability journey with her. There is no way around vulnerability on your path to being honest with yourself.
How Vulnerability Sets You Up for Success
If you find yourself asking, “Can’t I just start somewhere else and come back to this later?” the short answer is no. Not if you want to get unstuck and make progress on your goals. I get that it is easier for some and harder for others. I encourage you to remember all that you have to gain by getting over this hump. You’ll be thriving in all areas of your life and will be well on your way to achieving the goals that have been falling by the wayside for far too long.
Here’s what you have to keep front and center. Being honest with yourself lays the ground work for truth telling. If you can’t tell yourself the truth, how can you be honest and truthful with others? [You can learn more about the value and rewards of truth telling at the office in this article I wrote]. Once you make peace with your truth and find safety in vulnerability, you can begin to engage in deep exploration of self. Further, you’ll be able to see yourself more clearly and better understand how others see and perceive you. While there are various ways for you to make progress in this area, one of the best ways to accomplish this is through assessment and feedback. Use the free self-assessment below to begin your journey of self-introspection.
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In Summary
Now that you understand how you can get and stay stuck, it’s time to get honest and unstuck. Before you go asking others for feedback nilly willy, begin your journey by investing in some good old-fashioned self-introspection and self-reflection. Engaging in self-introspection will allow you to examine your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Hence, you’ll gain access to a better understanding of yourself. Similarly, reflection will allow you to process what you’ve learned about yourself. As a result, you’ll expand your self-awareness and take away insights that might have largely remained unconscious to you. This will give you solid footing for seeking, hearing, and accepting feedback from others. I recommend that you use guided activities [like the free self-assessment above] to assess yourself, as these activities will prompt you to investigate topics and themes that otherwise wouldn’t emerge.
Once you’ve gotten your sea legs about you and are feeling more comfortable with your vulnerability, you can begin to seek feedback from others. One of the best ways to do this is through a 360 review. A 360 assessment collects anonymous feedback from friends, family, your supervisor, colleagues, and direct reports. Feedback and constructive criticism from a group of individuals who interact with you in various ways can serve as an inflection point for you to gain momentum with your clarity and truly understand your strengths and areas that require attention and improvement.
The good news is that once you start heeding self-feedback and accepting external feedback and constructive criticism, you’ll be able to identify where you’re getting and staying stuck. You can then target specific areas to get unstuck by creating SMART goals. SMART goals facilitate actionable steps to conquer a corrupted ego. That’s where the magic happens and you can finally begin to set yourself free. Once you’re unstuck, you’ll gain traction quickly and will get the results you’ve been looking for.
CHECK-IN
- In which areas of your life are you thriving?
- In which areas of your life do you want to be more intentional?
- Where do you find the most resistance when you engage in your self-introspection and self-reflection?
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